


Four by Four

by Elizabeth Culmer (edenfalling)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Awkward Romance, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Multi, Pesterlog, Pre-Sburb/Sgrub, Prompt Fic, Quadrant Confusion, Sedoretu, Silly, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-18
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2017-11-14 12:12:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/515119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edenfalling/pseuds/Elizabeth%20Culmer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein the beta kids have an agreement to form a sedoretu once they're old enough, as told in a series of standalone pesterlogs. Part 1 - Dave, Rose, Jade, and John meet in a chat room on Jade's thirteenth birthday to talk about nothing in particular. Part 2 - The kids attempt to explain moiety to the trolls mid-game, which goes about as smoothly as you'd expect. Part 3 - Interludes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a response to [a kinkmeme prompt](http://homesmut.livejournal.com/15023.html?thread=29407919#t29407919) asking for any Homestuck characters in a sedoretu. The beta kids fall _perfectly_ into that pattern (which, as per Le Guin, does include allowances for various members being more heterosexual or homosexual than bisexual), so I went with them. The trolls have no moiety in this AU, and as for the alpha kids... I have Plans. *evil smile*
> 
> ([Background information about sedoretu is available via this link!](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sedoretu))

turntechGodhead [TG] opened chatroom ALL MY EXES LIVE IN TEXAS.

TG: chatroom topic as follows  
TG: happy birthday jade harley  
TG: today you are thirteen  
TG: holy shit thats old  
tentacleTherapist [TT] joined chatroom.  
TT: No older than you or I will be within a week, Dave.  
TG: shh lalonde dont harsh my flow with irrelevancies  
gardenGnostic [GG] joined chatroom.  
GG: hi guys!!!!!!!!!!!  
GG: wow this new chatroom function is awesome!  
GG: we can finally all talk at once :)  
TG: you need to get skype like two years ago  
TG: not only does it do group calls dear god such advanced programming  
TG: it also does video  
TG: imagine that  
TT: Are you that desperate for a glimpse of her nubile young beauty?  
GG: well obviously rose!  
GG: dont you know all the music he sends me is secretly love songs???  
TG: gasp  
TG: oh no my secret shame revealed  
TG: harley how could you betray my trust this way dont you know lalonde will skullfuck me raw  
TG: pick my psyche bare leave me a shambling zombie unable to say anything but  
TG: penis repression freud  
TG: penis repression freud  
TG: penis repression freud  
TT: Don't be so harsh. Surely I'd leave you the option of substituting Jung for Freud every other line.  
GG: id rather he substituted boobs for penis sometimes  
GG: i mean how am i supposed to have my wicked way with him if hes stuck only thinking about johns butt? ;)  
TT: A fair point.  
TT: I will endeavor to remember it when deconstructing his brain in order to present you with your very own birthday Davebot. <3  
GG: awesome <3  
GG: girl power for the win!!!   
ectoBiologist [EB] joined chatroom.  
EB: hey everyone! sorry i'm late, stuff happened. shenanigans were involved.  
EB: happy birthday, jade!  
EB: how does it feel to be thirteen?  
GG: thank you john!!! <3  
GG: it feels...  
GG: .................  
GG: ......................  
GG: .................  
TT: Oh for goodness sake.  
GG: pretty much exactly like being twelve! lol  
GG: only more awesome because this pesterchum upgrade means i get to talk to all you guys at once  
GG: chatrooms are the best!!!  
TG: whoa harley do you really want to go there  
TG: the best  
TG: thats a serious claim  
TG: shit needs backing up whatve you got  
TG: show me the money  
GG: ???  
TT: If you've decided to have an ironic crush on Tom Cruise to somehow mock John's idolization of Nicholas Cage, I may be forced to deny knowing you.  
TG: fuck no lalonde hes evening you know that  
TG: what you do you take me for  
TG: only person id ignore moiety for is you  
TG: our deathless passion would ignite the fiberoptic cables like a million broken hearts crying out in joy  
TG: a miracle from on high descending to heal them and show them the kinky intramoiety truth of how we were meant to be  
TG: obviously  
EB: hahaha!  
TT: ...  
TT: I refuse to dignify that with a response.  
GG: but you just did :)  
EB: hahahahaha!  
EB: man, i'm glad to talk to you guys. i wish you lived closer so we could visit someday.  
GG: me too john! but i think well get to meet sooner than you expect  
GG: maybe even on your birthday!!!  
TG: yeah everybody party at egberts house  
TG: but shh dont tell him  
TG: its a surprise  
EB: i am still here reading this, dave.  
TG: no really what do you think i forgot in the whole thirty seconds since you last typed  
TG: sorry doc got terrible retrograde amnesia  
TG: wait what am i doing in this room and who the fuck are you get away from me with that straitjacket  
TT: I believe anterograde amnesia would more accurately fit the symptoms you are imagining, since it affects the ability to form new memories rather than the ability to retain old ones.  
TG: wow i feel so educated and shit  
TG: but seriously party at egberts we should look into it  
TG: could be cool no wait what am i saying cool is out of the question with the derp twins  
TG: could be fun though  
GG: hey!!! :(  
TG: youre a derp embrace it harley  
TT: Ignore him, Jade. He's being a jackass.  
EB: yeah, what rose said. i think it would be very cool if you guys all came to visit.  
EB: i'd really like to meet you, and i think my dad would like to meet your families. he worries about bad influences sometimes.  
EB: bluh bluh bluh.  
TT: In Dave's case, perhaps the worry is justified.  
GG: lol!  
TG: oh damn stabbed right through my heart  
TG: i see how it is  
EB: seriously guys, we should do this! it would be awesome.  
EB: and who knows, maybe my dad might hit it off with rose's mom and dave's bro and then all we'd need is to track down some morning cousin of jade's and hey presto, marriage!  
GG: um.........  
TG: dude  
TG: kinky  
EB: what?  
TG: i know you live in fantasy land but i was under the impression you were mr tightpants  
TG: takes two mornings and two evenings to make a sedoretu  
TG: even genders more optional than that  
EB: yeah so?  
TT: John, please reread your words and exercise a smidgeon of elementary logic.  
EB: i still have no idea what you're all getting upset about. is it that weird that i think of you guys like family?  
TG: oh sweet jesus double facepalming on a graham cracker  
TG: youre morning egbert  
TG: rose and i are evening  
TG: do the math  
EB: oh.  
EB: oh!  
TT: Light dawns. Be still my heart.  
EB: no, no, it's not like that!  
GG: then what did you mean???  
EB: oh man, this is so embarrassing, but um. apparently my dad has a past?  
TG: as in he used to rescue lost kittens on the sly  
TG: gently tie pink ribbons around their necks and deliver them to loving homes  
TG: never daring to let the truth be known lest his serious business image be shattered  
TG: or as in "a past"  
EB: as in he's morning too.  
GG: um............  
TG: welp  
TT: That is certainly unexpected, though if pressed, I might surmise the hypothetical incident had some connection to the mysterious "prankster's gambit" you frequently reference.  
EB: can we not talk about it, please?  
GG: ok john no problem!  
GG: what do you want to talk about instead?  
EB: whatever you want, jade!  
EB: it's your birthday, remember? you pick.  
GG: oh no, responsibility! lol!! :D  
GG: well i think even if your guardians dont get together we should still plan what to do when we finally meet  
GG: because i cant wait to see you guys!  
GG: i feel like john is right and we are already like family in a way  
GG: and we will do amazing things together :)  
TG: maybe youre right  
TG: hey we even have two mornings and two evenings no need for long lost imaginary cousins  
TG: i say we get married  
TG: lalonde you buy the rings  
TG: harley youre on flowers  
TG: egbert youre in charge of food  
TG: and ill bring the music well dance the night away  
TG: best wedding ever  
EB: um...  
GG: it might have to be a very fast wedding but i am up for that!  
GG: what kind of flowers do you guys like anyway?  
TG: hey now hey now dont get carried away  
TT: Jade, this is another cautionary example of Dave's irony and mouth running away from him.  
GG: oh right, durr, we dont have any way to meet in person and you cant get married online  
GG: i still think it would be fun though  
GG: you guys are my best friends in the whole world  
GG: i feel like we really fit together  
GG: and i have lots and lots of flowers!!!  
GG: we should figure out a way for you guys to visit me soon  
EB: you're our best friend too, jade, and of course it would be fun to get to know each other and spend time together.  
EB: i think we fit together too.  
EB: but we're way too young to get married.  
TG: yeah what he said  
TT: John has likewise expressed the gist of my feelings.  
GG: you have no sense of adventure!  
GG: but all right you can all be weenies, i wont hold it against you ;)  
GG: i will just remember to ask again when were older! <3  
TG: you do that harley  
TG: just remember shit better be epic  
TG: i want fireworks and skywriting and the universe doing a celebratory tap dance at the beauty and rightness of us deigning to get together  
TT: I completely deny ever knowing you, Strider.  
TG: your loss  
TG: youll be sorry when i marry john and jade and leave you out in the cold  
EB: there will be no leaving anyone out in the cold.  
EB: either all four of us get married or none of us do.  
EB: in the hypothetical and very far off future, that is!  
GG: yeah! it wouldn't be right without you, rose  
GG: or without dave even if he is a jerkass ;)~  
GG: we need you both!!!  
EB: all for one and one for all!  
TT: There is no conceivable chance that you're referencing the novel rather than one of the inevitably terrible film adaptations, is there?  
TG: rhetorical questions dont deserve answers  
TT: I suppose I can stand behind the sentiment either way.  
EB: haha, victory!  
TT: In any case, I must sign off. Mother has been preparing an elaborate French gourmet three course meal in response to a compliment I attempted to pay her when she made grilled cheese sandwiches last week.  
TT: I shall have to make a point of loudly appreciating every flavor.  
TG: man and you people say my familys weird  
EB: that's because your family is weird!  
EB: but rose's family is weird too. so is mine, and jade's is definitely out there!  
EB: i guess weird is actually normal in a way, except probably more fun. hahaha!  
TG: then we are gonna have the most shitkicking awesome funtime marriage in the history of creation  
TG: because i dont know any people weirder than you three  
TT: The sentiment is reciprocated, I assure you.  
GG: well i am just glad we got to talk today and that we all agreed on our future!  
GG: ill let you all go now i know its late where you live  
GG: thanks for staying up to talk to me!  
GG: good friends, best birthday!!!  
GG: <3<3<3

gardenGnostic [GG] closed chatroom.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein the kids attempt to explain moiety to the trolls mid-game. It goes about as smoothly as you'd expect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts as a version of the memo on [page 4690](http://mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=004690), with slight alterations to take into account the kids' understanding that they will make a sedoretu when they're older. It follows the original text pretty closely at first, but begins seriously derailing from canon around the one-third mark.

?CG AT ?:?? opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.

CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTG: what  
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CEB: ok, i am here.  
CEB: oh, hi dave!  
CTG: sup  
CEB: we haven't talked in a while, have we?  
CEB: i am just about to install the server copy and save jade!  
CTG: cool tell her i said hey  
CEB: anyway, what is going on in here?  
CTG: some kinda asshole rumpus looks like  
?CG: EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP, I HATE YOU BOTH, ETC. ETC. ETC.  
?CG: NOW THAT THE PLEASANTRIES ARE OUT OF THE WAY, THERE IS IMPORTANT BUSINESS TO DISCUSS.  
?CG: THIS MEMO IS NOT ABOUT WHICH GUY CAN MANAGE TO BE THE HEFTIEST SACK OF SHAME GLOBES TO ONE ANOTHER.  
?CG: IT IS NOT ABOUT WHICH ONE OF US WILL MOST DECISIVELY ESCORT THE OTHERS "TO SCHOOL", WHERE THEY WILL RECEIVE A VAST HELPING OF "OH SNAP" RAMMED DOWN THEIR INSATIABLE IGNORANCE SHAFTS.  
?CG: THIS IS AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION WHICH I BELIEVE NEEDS TO TAKE PLACE HERE AND NOW, SO YOU WILL BOTH SHAPE YOUR SHIT UP AND PERHAPS BEGIN TO APPROXIMATE PEOPLE WHO AREN'T EXCRUCIATINGLY RETARDED.  
CTG: ok later windbag  
?CG: STRIDER FUCK OFF  
?CG: AND BY FUCK OFF I MEAN FUCK OFF RIGHT BACK HERE AND LISTEN, YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK.  
CEB: yeah, dave, don't go!  
CEB: i think we should listen to what he has to say.  
?CG: YES, LISTEN TO YOUR LEADER DAVE.  
?CG: AS DUMB AS EGBERT IS, HE IS SMARTER THAN YOU AND IS THE RIGHTFUL SUPERIOR AMONG YOUR DREARY LITTLE PARTY.  
?CG: BUT I AM THE SUPERIOR OF BOTH OF YOU AND WHAT YOU REALLY NEED TO BE DOING IS LISTENING TO ME.  
?CG: SO DAVE, TRY TO KEEP ALL THOSE SICK FIRES CHECKED AND THOSE STOIC LIPS PURSED FOR A GOD DAMNED SECOND  
?CG: AND TAKE THIS SIMPLE BIT OF HATEFRIENDLY ADVICE:  
?CG: STOP HITTING ON TEREZI IMMEDIATELY, IT'S FUCKING PERVERTED AND DISGUSTING TO WATCH.  
?CG: YOU HUMANS ALREADY HAVE ALL YOUR CONCUPISCIENT QUADRANTS FILLED WITH EACH OTHER IN A DESPERATELY STRANGULATING CLUSTER, AND I REFUSE TO LET YOU PULL ANY OF MY PEOPLE INTO YOUR DEPRAVITY.  
CEB: haha, dave you're hitting on terezi? really??  
CTG: nah  
CTG: shes awesome like sticking your hand into a bag of candy  
CTG: where half the candy is knives and the other halfs cherry bombs  
CTG: boom fireworks devastation  
CEB: i will take your word on that, i guess?  
CTG: but i wouldnt add corners to our square without asking  
CEB: good! jade would be pissed off. rose would be too.  
CTG: poison in my tea instead of yelling yeah i know how she works  
CTG: youre allowed to be pissed off too  
CTG: if i did that  
CTG: which i didnt  
CTG: no matter what this asshole thinks  
CTG: the guys jealous obviously he thinks his girlfriend has a thing for me and you know what hes probably right  
CTG: just another lady from outer space mackin on me whatever chance she gets  
?CG: OH, HA HA! IF SMUG WAS A MOTORCYCLE, IT JUST JUMPED OVER A FUCKING CANYON.  
?CG: THE CROWD GOES WILD WITH DISMAY, AND THEN COMMITS MASS SUICIDE.  
CEB: karkat, is terezi really your girlfriend?  
CEB: do trolls even have girlfriends? or boyfriends?  
?CG: GUESS WHAT THIS CONVERSATION IS ABOUT! NOT THAT PARTICULAR TOPIC.  
?CG: ALSO GUESS WHOSE BUSINESS THAT STILL ISN'T, FUCKING YOURS, THAT'S RIGHT.  
CTG: pretty sure she is  
CTG: or he thinks she is or something  
CTG: made it pretty obvious when he started ranting at me months ago  
CTG: back when i suspected these trolls were full of shit  
CTG: but now look how far weve come  
CTG: theres not any doubt left about that at all  
?CG: EVEN IF THERE WAS ANYTHING GOING ON, WHICH THERE DEFINITELY [OOPS TIME TO MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AGAIN, ASSHOLE!]  
?CG: OUR ROMANCE IS MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THAN THE JOKE THAT PASSES FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF THE CONCEPT.  
?CG: YOU ONLY HAVE TWO QUADRANTS! THAT'S JUST ABSURD.  
?CG: EVEN IF YOU TRY TO COMBINE THEM AND SOMEHOW MASH FOUR PEOPLE INTO THE RESULTING HYBRID, WHICH IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS AND INANE MISUNDERSTANDING OF THE DELICATE MECHANICS OF ROMANCE I HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF ENCOUNTERING.  
?CG: AND CONSIDERING THE IDIOTS AROUND ME, THAT'S FUCKING SAYING SOMETHING.  
CTG: right  
CTG: sounds like its time to get a clue she is over you dude  
CEB: what is so different about your romance?  
CEB: what's a quadrant? how many do you have?  
CTG: john god dammit stop embarrassing us  
CTG: first of all weve got to be on record here as not giving a shit about that  
CTG: second obviously theres gonna be 4 quadrants come on  
?CG: JOHN, I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT YOU BEING THE SMART ONE.  
?CG: DAVE IS NOW THE LEADER, EVEN THOUGH HE'S A SMUG SHITSTAIN WITH SHADES AND A POKER FACE.  
?CG: IF THERE WERE FIVE, THEY'D BE CALLED QUINTDRANTS, GET IT???  
CEB: wow, okay!  
CEB: who cares, jeeeeeeeez.  
?CG: YES, EXACTLY. WHO CARES?  
?CG: AS FASCINATING AS A LECTURE ON ALL THAT WOULD BE, IT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.  
?CG: WHICH BRINGS ME TO A RELATED POINT OF BUSINESS.  
?CG: JOHN, DON'T THINK I DIDN'T NOTICE HOW MANY E'S YOU JUST TYPED THERE.  
?CG: THAT'S GOT TO STOP TOO.  
CEB: what does?  
?CG: STOP TALKING TO VRISKA. I'M FUCKING SERIOUS.  
CEB: what!  
CEB: no way. vriska's cool, i'll talk to her all i want!  
?CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
?CG: YOU JACKASSES HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELVES INTO.   
?CG: THEY'RE DANGEROUS, AND YOU'RE JUST BLUNDERING RIGHT INTO THEIR HYPERCOMPETITIVE MINDFUCK MURDER-THICKET.  
?CG: THESE PSYCHO GIRLS HAVE ALREADY GOTTEN EACH OF YOU KILLED AT LEAST ONCE TO MY KNOWLEDGE.  
CEB: well, yeah...  
CEB: but terezi killed me in an alternate timeline, so that isn't too bad i guess.  
CEB: plus, i am pretty sure that she is sorry about it.  
?CG: OH GOD, YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT?  
?CG: AND YOU'RE STILL GETTING UP TO THESE ANTICS  
?CG: YOU ARE BOTH FUCKING HOPELESS, I GIVE UP.  
CTG: k then bye  
?CG: SHUT YOUR SQUAWK GAPER AND STAY PUT.  
?CG: I'M NOT DONE.  
CTG: sounds like a loudmouth inferiority thing going on here to me  
CTG: like you dont want to acknowledge that your troll ladies find a couple of human dudes irresistible  
?CG: YOU DON'T GET IT.  
?CG: I DO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AS MUCH AS IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY VARIOUS BITS OF ALIEN PHYSIOLOGY YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF, THESE GIRLS ARE CLEARLY FLIRTING WITH BOTH OF YOU PRETTY HARD.  
?CG: THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE SWEPT YOU BOTH INTO THEIR SICK ASSASSINATION GAMES IS SADLY WHAT MAKES THIS OBVIOUS.  
?CG: THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.  
CEB: wait...  
CEB: are you saying that vriska is interested in me?  
CEB: like, romantically?  
?CG: EGBERT JUST EARNED A FEW BRAIN POINTS!  
?CG: HE HAS REACHED A NEW RUNG ON HIS ECHELADDER, "EASILY OUTFOXED BY SIMPLE UTENSILS"  
?CG: "BUCKAROO"  
?CG: OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.  
CTG: smooth  
CEB: oh man.  
CEB: uh...  
?CG: YES LET'S ALL HAVE A GREAT BIG OH MAN OVER THAT  
?CG: AND THEN FUCKING CUT THE HORSESHIT FOREVER. SOUND GOOD?  
CEB: i'm not sure what to think about this.  
CEB: i mean, this does not change anything with you and me and rose and jade. obviously.  
CEB: it's complicated enough keeping four people together. adding extras would probably cause a lot of drama.  
CEB: but.  
CTG: no  
CTG: i know where youre going with this  
CTG: do not start making stupid movie analogies   
CEB: bluh  
CEB: dave, what do you think i should do?  
CEB: obviously if you want me to ignore her i'll try my best.  
CTG: i dunno  
CTG: do you like her  
CEB: well, like i said, i thought she was pretty cool...  
CEB: kinda bossy! but also pretty friendly.  
CTG: yeah ok  
CTG: but i mean  
CTG: anything more than that  
CTG: like  
CTG: if earth wasnt destroyed and she werent in some other universe on a planet full of unspeakable frothing dipshits  
CTG: and she was on earth visiting your town or something  
CTG: would you want to ask her to go see one of your dumbass movies  
CTG: like the new maconnohey jam where he smirks and like all but deliberately draws the audiences ire like a goddamn magnetron  
CEB: mcconaughey!!!!!!!!  
CEB: um, wow, i don't know.  
CEB: i mean, yeah, sure it would be fun to do something like that with her, i think.  
CEB: but...  
CEB: beyond that, it's a little confusing!  
CEB: i don't think i have ever actually liked a girl before in that way.  
CEB: other than rose, of course! but that's about all four of us.  
CEB: side relationships are completely different, so i am not really sure what i am supposed to feel or do.  
?CG: HOLY FUCK WHAT AM I EVEN READING HERE?????  
CTG: sedoretu business doesnt concern you dude  
?CG: OK JOHN, ARE YOUR FEELINGS QUITE SORTED OUT YET?  
?CG: ARE YOU QUITE DONE SLOGGING THROUGH THE EMOTIONAL MORASS OF ADOLESCENCE, EMERGING FROM THE SLUDGE IN YOUR JUNIOR ECTOBIOLOGY WADERS?  
?CG: ARE WE FEELING JUST A LITTLE BIT WISER? DID WE GROW TODAY? THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL!  
?CG: YOU WOULD THINK WARNING YOU GUYS THAT FRATERNIZING WITH THESE FEMALES IS PUTTING YOUR LIVES IN DANGER WOULD BE ENOUGH.  
?CG: REALLY, DANGER YOU SAY? OH GOODNESS, WE NEARLY MADE A HUGE MISTAKE! WHY THANK YOU, MR. TROLL, HOW GRACIOUS OF YOU TO ALERT US TO OUR FOOLISHNESS.  
CTG: i dunno man doesnt sound like you really got our interests in mind here  
CTG: you just sound kinda bitter  
CTG: did one of the human ladies reject you  
?CG: OF COURSE NOT.  
CTG: how did it go did you stand in a quadrant like you were playing four square  
CTG: holding a bucket full of flowers or slime or whatever and jade was like no thanks bro  
CTG: is that how it went down  
?CG: YES, YOU FIGURED IT OUT! YOU ARE A SAVANT OF XENOBIOLOGY DAVE AND I SALUTE YOU WITH ONE OF MY MANY INTERGALACTIC SPACE TENDRILS.  
?CG: (THAT'S FAKE, I MADE THAT UP TO FUCK WITH YOU.)  
CTG: or maybe it was a guy who rejected you  
?CG: FUCK OFF.  
CTG: haha wow bingo  
CTG: see how i look right now thats a poker face might want to take some notes  
?CG: I SEE NOTHING BUT A COWARD BEHIND DARK EYEWEAR CLEARLY DESIGNED FOR WOMEN AND A PAIR OF IMPUDENT LIPS PURSED SO TIGHT IT'LL SOUND LIKE AIR SQUEALING OUT OF A BALLOON WHEN I PUNCH YOU IN THE GUT.  
CTG: oh god stop talking about my lips thats the second time  
CTG: ok youre clearly gay and youve probably got some issues about it dude  
CTG: john just a heads up in the future i think youre gonna spurn one of his awkward advances  
CEB: uh oh!  
?CG: JOHN DON'T LISTEN TO THIS FUCKER, HE'S THE WORST GUY AT GIVING ADVICE I'VE EVER SEEN.  
CEB: yeah, i dunno dave, i have talked to karkat a lot and i really don't think he has a thing for me.  
?CG: EXACTLY. JOHN ONCE AGAIN IS FLYING HIGH AS SMARTEST HUMAN.  
?CG: AND JOHN, PURELY HYPOTHETICALLY, IF ONE OF US IN THE FUTURE DOES MAKE SOME SORT OF SOLICITATION YOU DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND...  
?CG: BECAUSE OF PERHAPS SOME CULTURAL DIFFERENCES  
?CG: I MEAN NO ONE IN PARTICULAR HERE  
?CG: MAYBE TRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT PERSON MIGHT NOT BE THINKING TOO CLEARLY AT THAT MOMENT  
CEB: uh...  
?CG: IT MIGHT BE THE CASE THAT THIS PERSON HAS GOTTEN TOO WRAPPED UP IN A SORT OF CALIGINOUS IDEAL  
?CG: AND GET CARRIED AWAY, POSSIBLY SO MUCH SO THEY WERE BLIND TO HOW COMPLETELY FUCKED UP AND WEIRD IT WOULD BE TO PURSUE ANYTHING LIKE THAT WITH ANOTHER SPECIES  
?CG: ESPECIALLY ONE THAT DIDN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF A CALIGINIOUS RELATIONSHIP  
CTG: what  
CTG: the fuck  
CTG: are you talking about  
?CG: BUT I'M NOT THAT PERSON. I HAVE A FIRM GRASP ON HOW DERANGED AND UNNATURAL ANY SORT OF INTERSPECIES RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE, WHETHER CALIGINOUS OR CONCUPISCENT.  
?CG: SO I ASK  
?CG: NO I'M FUCKING BEGGING YOU BOTH  
?CG: TO QUIT CHATTING UP THESE SHITHIVE BROADS AND LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE.  
CTG: thats obviously not gonna happen  
?CG: FUCK.  
?CG: LOOK.  
?CG: ALRIGHT I ADMIT THIS ISN'T PURELY MAGNANIMOUS CONCERN FOR YOUR SAFETY HERE.  
?CG: WE'RE ALL SORT OF COOKING UP A PLAN RIGHT NOW.  
?CG: MY RIGHT NOW.  
?CG: WHICH IF SUCCESSFUL, MAY, AND I DO STRESS MAY, END UP WITH ALL OF US MEETING FACE TO FACE.  
?CG: AND WHAT I'D LIKE TO AVOID IF AT ALL POSSIBLE  
?CG: IS TO HAVE THIS RENDEZVOUS INSTANTLY DETERIORATE INTO A LOT OF REVOLTING TROLL/HUMAN SLOPPY MAKEOUTS.  
?CG: THAT WOULD JUST RUIN IT FOR ME, OK?  
?CG: REALLY THE ONLY SCENARIO THAT I AM SURE WOULD CAUSE ME TO REGRET SUCCESS. GOT IT?  
CEB: er...  
CEB: do...  
CEB: you think that vriska is going to try to make out with me?  
?CG: SHUT UP.  
?CG: I'M NOT ANSWERING YOUR DUMB QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW MUCH SNOGGING YOU'RE IN FOR AND I'M NOT PLAYING INTERSPECIES MATCH MAKER HERE.  
?CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?  
?CG: I SHOULDN'T EVEN NEED TO BE SAYING THIS.  
?CG: GOD DAMMIT, IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE ACTUAL HUMAN FEMALES NEARBY FOR ACTUAL BIOLOGICALLY VIABLE MATESPRITSHIPS!  
?CG: YOU ARE EVEN IN ONE OF YOUR BIZARRE MATESPRIT/MOIRAIL DIAGONAL MASHUPS WITH THEM ALREADY!  
?CG: IS MONOGAMY NOT A THING AMONG YOUR SPECIES?  
CEB: uh...  
CEB: what is a matesprit? or a moirail?  
CTG: john no  
CTG: stop  
CTG: dont give him an opening  
?CG: YOU ARE EACH MATESPRITS WITH ONE OF THE HUMAN FEMALES. STRIDER WITH HARLEY AND EGBERT WITH LALONDE.  
?CG: HOW IS THIS HARD TO UNDERSTAND.  
?CG: DO I HAVE TO DRAW YOU A DIAGRAM OF YOUR OWN ALIEN SOCIAL STRUCTURES???  
CEB: wait, so a matesprit is like a morning or evening marriage?  
CEB: what about a day or night marriage, is that a moirail?  
?CG: WHAT'S A DAY OR NIGHT MARRIAGE?  
?CG: ARE THOSE YOUR WORDS FOR WHATEVER IS BETWEEN YOU AND STRIDER, AND BETWEEN HARLEY AND LALONDE?  
?CG: THOSE ARE ALSO MATESPRITSHIPS AND I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU THINK HAVING TWO AT ONCE ALL JAMMED TOGETHER IS ANY WAY TO ENSURE SOCIAL STABILITY.  
?CG: PARTICULARLY WHEN I AM GIVEN TO UNDERSTAND THAT "HOMOSEXUAL" RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT REPRODUCTIVELY VIABLE FOR HUMANS.  
CEB: of course two men can't make a baby!  
CEB: which is not to say that two men can't adopt a baby, or end up as the only survivors of a sedoretu.  
CEB: or i guess even use ectobiological cloning machines.  
CEB: but, uh...  
CEB: does that mean two troll men CAN make a baby?  
CEB: how does that even work????????  
CTG: jesus fuck john shut up  
CTG: theyre aliens who cares how they work  
CTG: also if he says theyre not viable for humans obviously that implies they are for trolls  
CTG: you know what screw this  
CTG: im inviting rose and jade to join this memo gotta up the iq stats for the last representatives of humanity  
?CG: YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING.  
CTG: watch me  
CTG: think ill invite terezi while im at it maybe this vriska chick too  
?CG: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU NOT TO DO!  
CTG: hey egbert whats her handle  
CEB: arachnidsGrip!!!!!!!!  
CEB: without the exclamation points, durr.  
?CG: OH MY SCREAMING FUCK HOW ARE YOU ALL SO DETERMINED TO SCREW YOURSELVES OVER AND DESTROY MY LAST REMAINING SHREDS OF SANITY.  
CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTT: What exactly seems to be the problem here?  
CTG: scroll up you tell me  
CEB: hi rose!  
CEB: are you still being ominous and secretive?  
CTG: is the sky blue  
CTG: shit wait that doesnt work anymore does it  
CTG: k is skaia blue  
CTG: does sburb suck donkey balls  
CTG: is harley narcoleptic  
CTG: speaking of i think shes conked out again shes not answering me  
CTT: That may be just as well, given the contents of this memo.  
CTT: Have you told Jade about your recent activities?  
CTG: no she was asleep when i entered the medium and im sick of talking to robojade  
CTG: how a girl that smart can turn that stupid is beyond all ability of science to explain  
?gallowsCalibrator [?GC] AT ?:?? responded to memo.  
?GC: H1 D4V3! 4R3 YOU BOR3D OF CL1MB1NG YOUR 3CH3L4DD3R 4LR34DY?  
CTG: sup terezi  
CTG: nah this is a completely different memo  
CTG: karkats lecture on interspecies lovefests 101 or some shit like that  
?CG: STRIDER I WILL END YOU.  
?GC: K4RK4T 4R3 YOU B31NG 4 WH1N3Y K1LLJOY M3DDL3R 4G41N?  
?CG: FUCK YOU I'M BEING A LEADER AND TAKING INITIATIVE TO KEEP OUR PLAN ON TRACK INSTEAD OF DERAILING INTO SLOPPY INTERSPECIES POLYQUADRANT SHENANIGANS.  
?GC: WH4T PL4N?  
?GC: YOUR PL4N TO TROLL TH3 HUM4NS 1S WORK1NG JUST F1N3 3V3N THOUGH 1T W4S STUP1D 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3 4ND 1 H4V3 H4D TO M4K3 SO M4NY 4DJUSTM3NTS  
?GC: 4LL TH3 4DJUSTM3NTS, 1N F4CT!  
CEB: trolling us was your plan, karkat?  
?CG: NOT THAT PLAN, THE NEW PLAN, THE ONE TO  
?CG: WAIT.  
?CG: YOU'RE PAST TEREZI.  
?CG: I'M NOT TELLING YOU. YOU CAN FIND OUT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE DOES.  
?CG: DID.  
?CG: WHATEVER.  
?GC: >:[  
?arachnidsGrip [?AG] AT ?:?? responded to memo.  
?AG: Heeeeeeeey John!  
?AG: And you other idiots, I guess.  
CEB: hi vriska!  
?AG: What's going on here?  
CEB: i have literally no idea anymore, but i think it started with karkat telling me not to date you.  
CEB: which, uh...  
CEB: do you even want to?  
CEB: or is he just being weird and spazzing out like he seems to do a lot?  
?AG: ........  
?GC: TH1S 1S OFF1C14LLY TH3 B3ST M3MO 3V3R >:]  
?GC: W3LL VR1SK4?  
?GC: W3R3 4LL W41T1NG FOR 4N 4NSW3R!  
CTT: I don't care what her hypothetical answer might be.  
CTT: I'm not interested in adding any corners to our relationship, particularly not any whose moiety cannot be determined,  
CTT: So I'm afraid I will have to exercise veto right.  
CTT: John belongs to Dave, Jade, and myself.  
CTT: Hands off.  
CEB: then i guess that goes for terezi as well.  
?GC: W41T WH4T?  
?AG: Hahahaha!!!!!!!!  
?AG: Shoe's on the other foot now, 8itch!  
CTT: I'm sure both of you have redeeming qualities, since Dave and John are not quite as thoughtless as they choose to present themselves,  
CTT: But to be frank, I don't care.  
CEB: oh hey does that mean dave and i get veto rights over whatever you're doing with the green text troll?  
CEB: The One Who Types Like This?  
CTT: ...  
?CG: SHIT ON A STICK, KANAYA'S FALLING INTO THIS GIANT SUCKING CATASTROPHE TOO NOW?  
?CG: GODDAMN SNARKY BROADS AND THEIR HORSESHIT.  
?AG: Ahahahahahahahaha! Fussyfangs is in loooooooove! ::::)  
CTT: That is merely an exchange of information and philosophical fencing on the subject of predestination and the ultimate purpose of this game.  
CTT: It has nothing whatsoever to do with romance.  
CTG: yeah sure and ive got a real nice piece of oceanfront property in arizona id like to sell you  
CTG: know what t-z youre right  
CTG: best  
CTG: memo  
CTG: ever  
?GC: 1T 1S D3F1N1T3LY 4MONG TH3 STR4NG3ST!  
?GC: H4V3 W3 B33N R3D FL1RT1NG?  
?GC: 1TS SO H4RD TO T3LL W1TH HUM4NS  
?GC: YOU S4Y TH3 F1LTH13ST TH1NGS BUT 1 C4NT T3LL 1F YOU M34N TH3 WORDS TH3 S4M3 W4Y 1 R34D TH3M  
?CG: WHO CARES HOW HE MEANS THE WORDS. BOTH OF YOU STOP SAYING ANY OF THEM!  
?CG: THAT GOES FOR THE OTHER INTERSPECIES IDIOT PAIRS AS WELL.  
?AG: Like I'm going to listen to you!  
CEB: so you ARE flirting with me?  
?AG: I didn't say th8t!!!!!!!!  
?AG: 8ut if I were, would that 8e a pro8lem?  
CTG: nah go ahead i love watching lalonde kick alien ass  
?CG: OH MY GOD WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER.  
CEB: hang on i just remembered something.  
CEB: rose, what do you mean the trolls' moiety can't be determined?  
CEB: you're morning or you're evening, it's not like it's complicated.  
CTT: Among humans.  
CTT: I strongly suspect that the trolls lack any analogous social system.  
CEB: what about their hemothingy?  
?CG: HEMOSPECTRUM, YOU USELESS SACK OF PUREED GRUBSAUCE.  
?CG: IT'S NOT A DIFFICULT WORD TO REMEMBER.  
?AG: Why should he remem8er a word that doesn't apply to him?  
?AG: Actually why do YOU remem8er it? You're not even on it!  
?GC: BOOOOOOOOR1NG!  
?GC: NO ON3 C4R3S 4BOUT TH4T 4NYMOR3 VR1SK4, SO QU1T TRY1NG TO M4K3 1T 4 TH1NG  
CTT: I think that the trolls' class stratification by blood color is more similar to human concepts of race and ethnicity than to moiety.  
CTT: In any case, the answer is easy to discover.  
CTT: We simply ask.  
CTT: Do trolls have moiety?  
?CG: NO WE FUCKING DON'T HAVE YOUR BIZARRE HUMAN "MOIETY" WHATEVER THAT EVEN MEANS.  
?CG: IT'S COMPLETE BULLSHIT.  
?CG: WHY WOULD YOU NAME YOURSELVES AFTER DAY AND NIGHT WHEN YOU ALL HAVE THE SUICIDAL URGE TO BE DIURNAL?  
?CG: IF SO-CALLED "EVENING" HUMANS WERE NOCTURNAL LIKE NORMAL SENTIENT BEINGS THE SPLIT MIGHT MAKE SENSE, BUT THERE'S NO PHYSICAL MEANING TO THE CATEGORIES.  
?CG: YOUR ENTIRE PLANET WAS INSANE.  
?CG: YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IT.  
?GC: PL34S3 1GNOR3 K4RK4T, H1S 1NSULTS 4R3 4 R3FL3X1V3 4CT1ON L1K3 BR34TH1NG  
?GC: WH4T 1S MO1ETY?  
?AG: It's a 8it like an inherited disease that passes to humans when they drink 8lood from their human lusus su8stitutes.  
?AG: There are two strains, Morning and Evening, which are rel8ted to hair color.  
?AG: Morning people have 8lack hair and Evening people have white hair 8ecause those make 8etter camouflage in the day and the night, respectively.  
?AG: And you have to mix the strains each gener8tion so they don't dou8le up, or else the 8a8ies explode.  
CEB: what the hell, vriska, that is not what i told you at all!  
CTG: ...  
CTT: ...  
CEB: ok yes that is what i told you.  
CEB: and it was all lies.  
CEB: hehehehe! :)  
?GC: OH MY GOG 1 4M GO1NG TO S4V3 TH1S M3MO FOR3V3R  
?AG: That was a horri8le thing to do to someone who's spending her valua8le time trying to help you, John!  
CEB: sorry?  
?AG: Don't 8e sorry!!!!!!!!  
?GC: D3F1N1T3LY DONT B3 SORRY! >:]  
?AG: Shut up, Terezi!  
?AG: John, you are o8viously learning from my amazing example how to 8e the 8est and strongest player in this game.  
?AG: I am going to leave this memo now 8ecause I have important plans I need to put into action.  
?AG: I trust you to keep up the good work and continue 8eing awesome in my temporary a8sence!  
?AG: Like a street tough maverick with nothing to lose! ::::)  
?arachnidsGrip [?AG] AT ?:?? ceased responding to memo.  
CTG: what  
CTG: the fuck  
CTG: did i just read  
CTG: did you seriously infect a whole new universe with nic cages shitty movies  
CEB: yes i did introduce vriska to a quality actor and his greatest role!  
CEB: finally somebody else appreciates the genius of con air! oh man, this is awesome!  
CTG: only you egbert  
CEB: but why did she leave? i wanted to send her some more clips.  
CTT: Never change, John.  
?CG: NO, DO CHANGE! CHANGE A LOT! IN WAYS THAT INVOLVE NOT TALKING TO MOTHERFUCKING VRISKA SERKET.  
?CG: UGH, GOOD RIDDANCE.  
?CG: I AM GOING TO SPEW BILE ALL OVER THIS ROOM AND MAKE SURE TO AIM FOR HER HAIR.  
CTT: How childish.  
CTT: It occurs to me that this entire conversation might go more smoothly if we all stop shouting and explain our respective frames of reference when it comes to romance, sex, and marriage.  
?GC: Y3S OK BUT 1 ST1LL W4NT TO KNOW WH4T MOI3TY 1S!  
?GC: D4V3 WHY D1DNT YOU T3LL M3 4BOUT YOUR STR4NG3 HUM4N W4YS B3FOR3 YOU ST4RT3D HYPOTH3T1C4LLY FL1RT1NG W1TH 4 POOR INNOC3NT TROLL L1K3 M3?  
CTG: you can see my whole life i thought you knew  
CTG: but all right one explanation coming right up  
CTG: hot and fresh from the oven  
CTT: Dave, no.  
CTT: This is not the time to play word games.  
FUTURE gardenGnostic [FGG] 6 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FGG: wow past dave, future you is right!  
FGG: i really dont believe what im reading!  
CTG: sup jade whats this about future me  
FGG: hi dave! <3  
FGG: hi rose! <3  
FGG: and john too! :)  
FGG: and karkat i guess, and terezi who i havent met but youre daves friend so that makes us friends by proxy :DDD  
?CG: THE UNIVERSE HATES ME.  
?CG: THERE IS NO OTHER CONCEIVABLE EXPLANATION FOR THIS MEMO.  
FGG: this isnt about you karkat so shut the fuck up!!!  
FGG: im just dropping in because dave said i did so im fulfilling the stable time loop  
FGG: and i guess whatever i say will be what i said  
CEB: are you really in the future?  
FGG: im in my present which is your future, typing into my past which is your present  
FGG: transtimeline memos get confusing very fast!  
?GC: BUT TH3Y 4R3 4N 4WFUL LOT OF FUN! >:]  
FGG: true!!! lol :)  
?GC: N1C3 TO M33T YOU J4D3, 1M T3R3Z1  
CTG: ...  
CTG: nothing good can come of this  
FGG: thats not what you told me five minutes ago ;)  
FGG: anyway rose i just want to tell you that trolls dont have moiety but i think we could sort of pretend that means they are a THIRD moiety  
FGG: so its ok to have corner relationships with them  
FGG: if all of us agree, of course!  
FGG: i think were stable enough to manage and besides people are supposed to experiment in their teens!  
FGG: also we have an extra dave now kind of so its not like wed be a textbook square anyway  
FGG: also also kanaya seems very nice and sensible and i assume terezi and vriska are cool if dave and john like them  
FGG: that is my two cents  
CTG: ok which trolls been mackin on you  
CTG: and did you leave any bleeding scraps for me to kick in their nosy alien snouts  
FGG: thats a secret!!! youll find out when its time for you to find out :)  
FGG: maybe you can keep all these timeline shenanigans sorted out but i prefer things to happen because of their actual causes not because somebody told me ahead of time  
FGG: but remember to tell me not to respond to this memo until now!  
CTG: yeah sure no prob  
FGG: see you when i see you! <3<3<3 to all you guys!!!  
FUTURE gardenGnostic [FGG] 6 HOURS FROM NOW ceased responding to memo.  
?CG: WOW.  
?CG: THAT SURE WAS THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF ENLIGHTENING.  
?CG: WHAT DID THAT VERBAL WATERFALL OF SHIT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?  
CTG: no wonder you cant get a girl vantas  
CTG: that right there is a miracle known as communication  
CTT: And on that note, I believe I was attempting to explain humans to trolls.  
CTT: Likely a hopeless endeavor, but what is life without challenges?  
CEB: easy?  
CTG: ba dum tssss  
?GC: H3H3H3 >:]  
CTT: Well played.  
CTT: But I shan't be deterred.  
CTT: Among humans, procreation is accomplished by means of sexual intercourse between a biological male and a biological female of differing moieties.  
CTT: Moiety is technically a social construct by which humans organize our society, but we have done so for all of recorded history through all recorded cultures.  
CTT: It therefore has great emotional weight and few people discard it lightly.  
?GC: BUT WH4T 1S TH1S MO13TY???  
?GC: YOU K33P S4Y1NG YOULL 3XPL41N BUT YOU JUST T4LK 4ROUND 1T 4S 1F 3V3RYON3 4LR34DY KNOWS WH4T 1T 1S!  
CTT: Moiety most likely began as a way to discourage inbreeding. It divides all humans into two distinct categories: Morning and Evening.  
CTT: A child is born into the moiety of his or her biological mother.  
?GC: YOU H4V3 S3P4R4T3 MOTH3RS?  
?GC: W31RD!  
CTT: Dave and I are Evening.  
CTT: John and Jade are Morning.  
CTG: of course we have separate mothers cant fit more than a couple babies up in there  
CTG: what the hell kind of setup do you guys use  
CTT: Marriage takes place between four people, two of each moiety.  
CTT: Traditionally they are also split by gender such that each moiety is represented by one man and one woman.  
?GC: W3 4R3 4LL BORN FROM TH3 MOTH3R GRUB OF COURS3  
CTT: The union of the Morning woman and the Evening man is the Morning marriage.  
CTT: The union of the Evening woman and the Morning man is the Evening marriage.  
CTT: The union of the Morning woman and the Evening woman is the Day marriage.  
CTT: The union of the Morning man and the Evening man is the Night marriage.  
?GC: 3V3RYON3 WR1GGL3S 4ROUND TOG3TH3R 1N TH3 BROOD1NG C4V3RNS UNT1L W3 PROOV3 OURS3LV3S F1T TO SURV1V3 BY F1GHT1NG OUR W4Y P4ST V1C1OUS HUNGRY B34STS TO R34CH TH3 SURF4C3 TO F1ND OUR LUS11  
CTT: Together all four are a sedoretu.  
CTG: man thats hardcore  
?GC: 1TS JUST HOW TH1NGS 4R3, D4V3  
CTT: There are other forms of marriage involving only two or three people, but a sedoretu is the ideal.  
?GC: WH4T DO YOU C4LL THE MORN1NG M4N 4ND TH3 MORN1NG WOM4N?  
?GC: OR TH3 TWO 3V3N1NG HUM4NS?  
CTG: in our case we call them the derp twins and the shining pinnacle of human achievement in mortal form  
CTG: respectively  
CEB: actually jade wants to start calling you guys the repression twins  
CEB: hahahaha!  
CTG: harsh man im in literal pain here  
CTG: dont you two love me anymore  
CEB: you know i spend every waking hour dreaming about our wedding night. ;)  
CTG: what not every sleeping hour too  
CTG: slacker  
CEB: quit fishing for compliments, you jerk.  
CTT: John's sleeping hours are mine in any case. ;)  
?GC: YOU GUYS 4R3 W4Y TOO CUT3 >:]  
?GC: BUT TH4TS NOT WH4T 1 W4S TRY1NG TO 4SK  
?GC: 1 M34N WH4T 4R3 THOS3 R3L4T1ONSH1PS C4LL3D  
?GC: MORN1NG W1TH MORN1NG 4ND 3V3N1NG W1TH 3V3N1NG?  
CTT: Those relationships are nonsexual and have no formal name.  
CTT: If I have correctly interpreted some of Kanaya's cultural references, they might be analogous to moirallegiance.  
?CG: WAIT A SECOND.  
?CG: IS THAT WHY JOHN FLIPPED HIS SHIT PARABOLICALLY OFF THE FUCKING HANDLE IN THE ECTOBIOLOGY LAB?  
?CG: BECAUSE OF THIS MOIETY BULLSHIT?  
CEB: uh...  
CEB: well, yes.  
CTG: what the hell bro  
CTG: whats ectobiology and whats it got to do with you losing your shit  
?CG: ECTOBIOLOGY IS HOW THE GAME FUCKS WITH YOUR LIFE BEFORE YOUR LIFE EVEN EXISTS.  
?CG: YOU WERE DESTINED TO PLAY SBURB BECAUSE SBURB CREATED YOU.  
?CG: LITERALLY.  
?CG: USING JOHN EGBERT'S HANDS AS ITS WITLESS PROXIES, IN YOUR CASE.  
CTG: hes shitting us right  
CEB: um. no.  
CEB: not this time.  
CEB: i hit a bunch of buttons and the machines made slime clones of my nanna, your bro, jade's grandpa, and rose's mom.  
CEB: then it made clone babies from the slime, which apparently will go back in time on meteors to become our guardians.  
CEB: then the machine mixed the slime and made more babies  
CEB: which will go back in time to become us.  
CTT: I can confirm that from my own investigations into the nature of this game.  
CTG: not seeing the problem here  
CTG: so we crashed to earth on flaming rocks of death  
CTG: thats almost as hardcore as babies fighting deathmatches with giant cavebeasts  
?GC: BUT NOT 4S COOL 4S DO1NG BOTH, WH1CH 1T SUDD3NLY OCCURS TO M3 1S WH4T 4LL OUR T34M MUST H4V3 DON3 >:]  
CTT: Wait.  
CTT: John.  
CTT: Which slime clones were mixed to produce us?  
CEB: your mom and dave's bro. and my nanna and jade's grandpa.  
CTG: oh  
CTG: fuck  
CTG: yeah ok thats fucking gross  
?GC: 1 DONT G3T 1T  
CTG: bros evening so is roses mom  
CTG: ditto johns nanna and jades gramps  
CTG: intramoiety sex is just  
CTG: you dont do that  
?GC: BUT TH3Y D1DNT H4V3 4NY PHYS1C4L CONCUP1SC13NT CONT4CT, 1T W4S 4LL DON3 BY M4CH1N3  
?GC: DOES 1T ST1LL M4TT3R?  
CTT: Yes.  
CTT: It matters a great deal.  
CTT: As I said, moiety has great emotional weight, regardless of how illogical and superstitious one might consciously consider the system.  
CTT: John, I have a sudden sympathy for your trials while growing up.  
CEB: thank you, i guess.  
CEB: it's weird to realize that my dad did not have a secret past!  
CEB: instead i am the one who had a secret origin, like a really shitty superhero.  
CEB: i wonder how dad knew that i was morning? did nanna know somehow?  
CTT: Evidently my mother knew of Sburb to at least some degree.  
CTG: bro knew  
CTG: dont ask me how but he knew  
CTT: And in retrospect, Jade certainly knew about the medium long before the rest of us had any inkling what fate held in store. It's quite possible her grandfather was the source of some of that information.  
CTT: Therefore I assume your grandmother gave your father instructions on what to do when you crashed to earth.  
?CG: WOW, YOU'VE SOLVED THAT GREAT MYSTERY. WHAT AN EXCELLENT USE OF TIME.  
CEB: yes, it was!  
CEB: so now that we've explained moiety, why don't you explain your alien romance quadrants?  
CEB: like what even is a moirail or a matesprit, and what are the other two?  
?CG: I ALREADY TOLD YOU ABOUT MATESPRITS, YOU BLITHERING EMPTY-PANNED WASTE OF BREATH, AND ROSE JUST EXPLAINED MOIRAILS IN YOUR OWN HUMAN CULTURAL IDIOM.  
?CG: THE OTHER QUADRANTS ARE COMPLETELY NOT THE POINT!  
?CG: WEREN'T YOU GETTING READY TO BRING JADE INTO THE MEDIUM?  
?CG: GET ON THAT AND LEAVE VRISKA ALONE.  
?CG: STRIDER, YOU LEAVE TEREZI ALONE TOO.  
?GC: YOU 4R3NT H1S L34D3R, K4RK4T! H3 DO3SNT H4V3 TO L1ST3N TO YOU  
?GC: 4CTU4LLY 1 DONT H4V3 TO L1ST3N TO YOU 31TH3R  
?GC: 3SP3C14LLY NOT WH3N J4D3 H4S G1V3N M3 P3RM1SS1ION TO "3XP3R1M3NT"  
?GC: 1 W1LL TROLL D4V3 4LL 1 W4NT 4ND YOU C4N S1T TH3R3 1M4G1N1NG 4LL TH3 K1NKY SH3N4N1G4NS W3 M1GHT B3 G3TT1NG UP TO!  
?GC: >:]  
?GC: > :]  
?CG: FUCK, NOT THE EYEBROWS.  
?GC: >:]  
?GC: > :]  
CTT: Ahem.  
CTT: Regardless of Jade's laissez-faire attitude, I am still skeptical of this entire situation.  
CTG: chill lalonde were friends  
CTG: friends are still a thing that exists  
CTG: besides who else am i ever going to meet who appreciates the genius of my art the way its meant to be experienced  
?GC: TH4T R3M1NDS M3, 1 N33D TO GO F1ND 4 T4BL3T  
?GC: 1 H4V3 SO M4NY P1CTUR3S TO DR4W  
CTT: ...You deserve each other.  
CTT: Very well.  
CTT: I trust you two to maintain appropriate boundaries.  
CEB: cool, i'll tell vriska it's ok if we talk too!  
CTT: I didn't say anything about her.  
CEB: :(  
CEB: :((((((((  
CTT: Oh, fine.  
CTT: Do what you want.  
CTG: wow you break faster every time  
CTT: Shush, you.  
CTT: John, please tell Ms. Serket that while I trust you, I don't trust her so much as a millimeter.  
CTT: If she doesn't keep her alien appendages to herself, I will carve them off and eat them.  
CTT: Raw.  
CEB: hahahaha, good one! :)  
CEB: ok i'm going to connect to jade now and save her from the meteor so she can talk to us from the future like she's already done.  
CEB: isn't it neat to know everyone will be fine and everything will work out?  
CEB: bye guys! <3  
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW ceased responding to memo.  
?CG: EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT, HE SAYS. EVERYONE WILL BE FINE, HE SAYS.  
?CG: HA. HA. HA.  
?CG: GOD I HATE THAT IDIOT.  
?GC: OOOH, M1ST3R V4NT4S, OOOH!  
?CG: NOT LIKE THAT! PLATONICALLY!  
?CG: GET THE HELL OFF THIS MEMO AND GO BACK TO DOING WHATEVER YOU DID IN THE PAST.  
?CG banned ?GC from responding to memo.  
CTG: dude talk about overreactions  
CTG: thats no way to win the girl of your dreams  
?CG: FUCK YOU. FUCK YOUR ENTIRE SPECIES. I DON'T KNOW WHY WE BOTHERED WINNING THE GAME IF THE ONLY RESULT WAS TO CREATE SOMETHING AS USELESS AND PATHETIC AS YOU.  
CTT: What other result would you expect from a species as useless and pathetic as your own?  
CTG: oooh burn  
?CG: WOW, I CAN FEEL MY BONES CHARRING AS I TYPE.  
?CG: HOW EVER WILL I SURVIVE SUCH A "SICK BURN".  
CTT: How indeed.  
?CG: LIVE IN UNSATISFIED CURIOSITY. I HOPE IT GNAWS YOUR GUTS TO SHREDS.  
?CG: AND NOW THAT THIS ENTIRE MEMO HAS PROVED TO BE NOTHING BUT A FARCICAL CLUSTERFUCK  
?CG: I WILL BID YOU A BITTER FUCKING FAREWELL.  
?CG: JEGUS I AM SO TIRED.  
CTG: you should go back to sleep  
CTG: it was so much cooler when you were asleep and i basically never had to listen to you ever  
?CG: I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP.  
CTT: Why not?  
?CG: BECAUSE I'M TOO TIRED TO EXPLAIN WHY IS WHY.  
?CG: YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT LATER.  
?CG: MEMO OVER.  
?CG: GET OUTTA HERE.  
?CG banned CTG from responding to memo.  
?CG banned CTT from responding to memo.

?CG closed memo.


	3. Interludes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein the beta kids have an agreement to form [a sedoretu](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sedoretu) once they're old enough, as told in a series of standalone pesterlogs. Part 3 - Interludes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me forever and a day (aka, two years and three months) to write. I freely admit I am a terribly slow and inconsistent author. Sorry about that. This chapter is also not what I intended to write, but I felt weird writing a scene that was specifically about the beta and alpha kids meeting when they hadn't yet done so in canon, so I did some transitional scenes for the beta kids and a bit of introductory background stuff for the alphas instead.
> 
> If you're confused about the alpha kids' moieties and why they don't match the beta kids, don't worry. That is partially intentional and the complete reasons will _probably_ get explained in chapter 4, whenever I get around to writing that. But if the confusion is too great, please tell me and I'll see what I can do to slip some justifications into the text of this chapter.

**1\. Evening to Evening**

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: hey rose  
TG: sup  
TG: you got time to talk or are you too busy with your sexy alien girlfriend  
TG: doing whatever you get up to in your secret library of secrets with your alchemized love potion number 9 and your vodka martinis of lust  
TG: or whatever the hell youre actually doing these days i cant even tell  
TG: not that thats anything new and different or anything but i dont have john and jade around to straightforward you into pretending youre a real girl instead of a human shaped collection of carefully curated neuroses and addictive predispositions  
TG: see i can speak psychobabble too if i want  
TG: but seriously rose we need to talk  
TG: rose  
TG: rose rose rose rose rose  
TG: do you want me to start rapping at you  
TG: uh shit  
TG: lyrics what are lyrics why is beat  
TG: right ok  
TG: yo listen up dj strider in the house  
TG: its like the night before xmas here dont even hear a mouse  
TG: gonna call you back with the sickness of my beats   
TT: Oh my God, Dave, have you ever heard of the simple concept known as *leaving a message* and then *waiting for an answer*?   
TG: actually  
TG: yes  
TG: and id try this strange and novel behavior if it ever fuckin worked  
TG: but you never do get back to me  
TG: so tell me wheres the reward in your little attempted operant conditioning experiment  
TG: see i told you i speak psychobabble   
TT: Argh.  
TT: Fine. I admit I'm less than conscientious about answering your messages.  
TT: In my defense, you leave so many that if I answered even half of them I'd never have time to do anything else.  
TT: I swear you abuse your powers just to mess with me sometimes.   
TG: gasp shock horror  
TG: how could you accuse me of such a thing  
TG: what do you take me for lalonde   
TT: My brother.  
TT: And I know I wouldn't be able to resist if I were in your shoes.   
TG: touche   
TT: Now that we've gotten all that cleared up, what could possibly be so vital that it needs to be discussed right this very moment.   
TG: lots of things  
TG: dont go assuming that just cause were in the middle of assfuck dreambubble nowhere important stuff cant come up   
TT: I'm not even going to bother making the obvious innuendo.   
TG: and here i served it up for you special  
TG: im hurt rose  
TG: so hurt   
TT: There, there.  
TT: Don't worry, I'll delve into the dark recesses of your sexuality some other day.  
TT: But enough digressions. What do you want to ask?  
TT: I'll extend you a one-time favor and promise not to mock you.   
TG: yeah sure and im marie antoinette   
TT: The offer is only good for ten minutes.   
TG: ...   
TT: ???   
TG: can the sarcastic multiple inquiry sickles you promised no mocking  
TG: but seriously rose  
TG: do you think john and jade have  
TG: like  
TG: forgotten us  
TG: not forgotten altogether that would be dumb  
TG: but stopped wanting to be a sedoretu with us  
TG: i mean jade was always way too good for the rest of us and john never seemed like he really took it seriously  
TG: which is our fault as much as anything since you and i hardly ever acted like we were serious either  
TG: but  
TG: i dunno about you but i was serious as fuck  
TG: allowing for being thirteen and all  
TG: do you think they realized  
TG: and if they did  
TG: do you think they cared   
TT: ...  
TT: I don't know.   
TG: holy shit the apocalypse is upon us  
TG: rose lalonde admits shes not omniscient   
TT: It's remarkably hypocritical for the person who requested a reprieve from mocking to turn around and exhibit the same behavior.   
TG: i never asked you offered all on your own   
TT: ...  
TT: Touché.  
TT: In all seriousness, though, I don't know.  
TT: I certainly *believe* they cared. I'm nearly certain Jade did, and while John is  
TT: or was, at any rate,  
TT: remarkably impervious to emotional nuance, I don't think he would have agreed to say we were a sedoretu if he didn't genuinely consider us important to him.  
TT: But as you say, we were thirteen.  
TT: It's been two and a half years.  
TT: Who knows how they may have changed.   
TG: cant see that part of the future can you   
TT: No.  
TT: I can't.  
TT: I've tried.   
TG: ...   
TT: ...   
TG: fuck   
TT: Quite.  
TT: I believe I shall go get shitfaced drunk now.  
TT: Don't interrupt me again.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\---------------

**2\. Morning to Morning**

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

GG: hey john  
GG: are you talking to me again?   
EB: no.  
EB: i'm alone in my fortress of solitude and have cut off all contact with the outside world.  
EB: you are hallucinating these words.   
GG: im rolling my eyes at you right now   
EB: oh no, the horror! :p  
EB: but for real, i'm not mad anymore.  
EB: i don't even remember why i yelled at you.  
EB: everything kind of boiled over all at once and you were the unfortunate person standing next to me.  
EB: sorry.   
GG: apology accepted  
GG: ive had days like that too  
GG: but in the future may i suggest excusing yourself and making a hurricane in a closed room or some other type of storm in a bottle  
GG: its probably just as cathartic and you dont run the risk of permanently damaging any friendships   
EB: blah blah blah.  
EB: i know.  
EB: it's just... i am SO SICK of this ship!  
EB: i'm sick of our lands and the consorts and the way all the quests are on hold and the denizens went back to sleep and we've watched all our movies and read all our books and played all our games and there is NOTHING TO DO.  
EB: even the dreambubbles don't make sense anymore, what with all these weird doppelganger trolls showing up and some death ray demon going around killing ghosts.  
EB: and you and dave sprite broke up and  
EB: ...   
GG: ...  
GG: and?????????????  
GG: its ok you can tell me, ill invoke doctor patient confidentiality and promise not to pass your secrets on   
EB: and you're not rose. stop trying to be rose.   
GG: well then you stop trying to be dave!  
GG: he has dibs on the moody insecure asshole position in this square   
EB: i can be an asshole if i want to!  
EB: and if you're so into dave, why did you break up with dave sprite?  
EB: they're the same person, aren't they?  
EB: if you'll dump one version, you'll probably dump the other as soon as you have the chance.   
GG: HOLY SHIT ON A FLYING POGO STICK, JOHN, DO YOU EVER PAY ATTENTION TO ANYTHING?  
GG: I DIDNT DUMP HIM!  
GG: HE DUMPED ME!   
EB: what.   
GG: what do you mean, what  
GG: what was there to misinterpret in what i typed?  
GG: davesprite decided he wasnt good enough for me or something and instead of talking it out and letting me cuddle him  
GG: like a normal person!  
GG: he just dumped me  
GG: for my own good   
EB: what.   
GG: THATS WHAT I SAID!   
EB: i thought that was a thing people did in movies, not in real life.   
GG: yeah well guess again  
GG: because he totally did that  
GG: now i cant stop thinking that dave might do the same thing  
GG: what if we reach the new session and he and rose have decided not to burden us with their dark and corrupted presence or whatever bullshit goes through their heads  
GG: or what if they didnt wait for us  
GG: theyve got a bunch of trolls with them, karkat and kanaya and terezi and i think two or three others  
GG: we know dave likes terezi and rose likes kanaya   
EB: terezi is the one who talks in leet speak, right? which one is kanaya? i can never remember.   
GG: what if they made a new interspecies square without us?  
GG: kanaya is the green text troll who Starts Every Word With A Capital Letter   
EB: they wouldn't do that.   
GG: she helped me with my frog quest   
EB: they'd wait and ask us first.  
EB: i'm sure of it.  
EB: oh, her. i think i pranked her from rose's computer. she did get a little flirty.   
GG: ok they might wait to ask before making the break formal, but does that actually make anything better in the long run?  
GG: theyd still be breaking up with us   
EB: ...  
EB: no. you know what? i'm done with this conversation.  
EB: dave and rose haven't broken up with us and they're not going to break up with us in the future.  
EB: we all made a promise. we meant it. we're going to keep it.  
EB: it's hard, but we can do it.   
GG: ...   
EB: and i will help you find dave sprite and sit on him until he stops being such a butthead.  
EB: all for one and one for all!   
GG: ...   
EB: jade.  
EB: you have to repeat our theme quote. it's a rule.   
GG: fine  
GG: all for one and one for all   
EB: including dave sprite.  
EB: we will fix him. we will all get safely to the new session. and when we reunite with rose and dave we will look back at this conversation and laugh.   
GG: i really hope youre right   
EB: ...  
EB: ...  
EB: me too.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

\---------------

**3\. Morning to Evening**

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

GT: Tip top of the morning to you jane!  
GT: Or afternoon really since youre a few hours ahead of me in the whole sun goes round the earth business.  
GT: Id have to get up in the dark to play early bird to your worm.   
GG: That sounds inconvenient!  
GG: I'm not much of a morning person anyway.   
GT: More so than lalonde though which is fortunate since shes even further ahead of both of us.   
GG: True!   
GT: This is where i should make a witty remark about evening people being night owls as opposed to morning people rising with the sun or somesuch.   
GG: Consider it said, my dear sir. :B  
GG: Although Dirk does spoil that theory a touch. I don't think he has any kind of regular schedule.   
GT: Dangnabbit youre right!  
GT: Blast the man for throwing wrenches into my jocularity.  
GT: *stares dramatically into the distance and swears revenge*   
GG: Oh, indeed, indeed. We'll have to lecture him most severely.  
GG: *two spoons and a wink*   
GT: Steady on there janey dont go nicking a mans catchphrase.   
GG: Stealing? Who said anything about stealing?  
GG: The rules of this friendship are share and share alike.  
GG: Didn't you read the fine print at the end of the contract? :B   
GT: Curse you and your gnarled talons of capitalism for this underhanded trickery!  
GT: But i guess i cant complain i signed the thing after all.  
GT: Anyway how are things in your neck of the woods?   
GG: The same as always. It's a lovely spring day, I have a cake baking in the oven, and I've been stuck inside since the last assassination attempt so I'm ahead on all my schoolwork.  
GG: What about you?   
GT: Another assassination attempt?  
GT: You know im obligated by family tradition to hate and distrust crockercorp but this all seems a bit over the top to me.  
GT: If people have quarrels with your grandmother they should take it up with her not go after you all sneaky and underhanded.  
GT: I have half a mind to hunt the blighters down and challenge them myself!   
GG: Oh pshaw, J.  
GG: It's nothing I can't handle.  
GG: Um, I mean, it's very brave and gallant of you to offer!  
GG: But not necessary.   
GT: On the one hand im glad all my friends are super competent and ready to handle trouble but on the other hows a fellow supposed to swoop in for a last minute rescue when i know youll have already rescued yourselves?   
GG: Hmm, that is a pickle!  
GG: How about you be the distraction?  
GG: It's much easier to escape a kidnapping attempt if someone else is being loud and bright and making guards look the other way.   
GT: Then ill be as loud and memorable as possible while you all sneak out of durance vile like ninjas.  
GT: Its a deal!   
GG: I guess it is. :B   
GT: *offers hand to seal the bargain*   
GG: *clasps your hand in a firm and manly shake*  
GG: (Did I do that right?)   
GT: (Yes thats how you do it.)   
GG: (Phew!)  
GG: So, now that we've talked about my life, what about yours? What have you been up to on your island?   
GT: Well the giant centaurs you dont believe in were off at the other end of the island yesterday so I managed a bit of exploring in the jungle before striders robot got the jump on me.  
GT: That thing is...  
GT: Well its very effective and i dont like to speak ill of another mans work but i have to say it makes me a touch uncomfortable at times!   
GG: Leaving the imaginary centaurs aside, do you want me to talk to Dirk about it? Evening to Evening?   
GT: I guess it might be worth a try.  
GT: He certainly hasnt listened to me when i try to bring it up subtly though perhaps im no good at getting my point across.   
GG: Well, I have to confess that I'm not entirely sure what your point is myself. "Uncomfortable" is a really vague word.  
GG: Dirk needs more concrete feedback, I think. Or at any rate, it's easier to shout him down when I can be specific about how he's being stupid or insensitive.   
GT: Erm.  
GT: Yes well you see...  
GT: Oh dash it all jane this is a matter between men i cant quite bring myself to tell you the details.  
GT: *ducks head sheepishly*   
GG: ...  
GG: I see.  
GG: Are the two of you...  
GG: I don't know a delicate way to ask this.  
GG: But. Are you, by any chance...   
GT: Are we what?  
GT: Internet chums? Occasional collaborators in the fine art of robotics? Suddenly going to turn into small fluffy bunnies?   
GG: Um.   
GT: Jane thats really not helping can you be a little  
GT: OH!  
GT: Yes.  
GT: Argh wait i mean no.  
GT: Were not. Not yet anyway. Though i think hed like to be.  
GT: At least insofar as we can when separated by such vast distances and considering were all too young to be thinking about these things very seriously.  
GT: And i cant say im opposed to giving romance the old college try i mean where else am i going to find people as upstanding and interesting as you lot?  
GT: But obviously we wouldnt without you as well.   
GG: Ah. I see.  
GG: Well, I'm certainly not opposed to the old college try myself!  
GG: It does seem a shame we don't have another Morning partner to make a proper sedoretu.   
GT: Yes well were only fifteen theres lots of time to meet people.  
GT: Im more worried about roxy what if she feels left out?   
GG: I was trying not to think about that.  
GG: It's an uncomfortable mess all around, and then I feel like a terrible friend for ducking the issue.  
GG: I guess she could be a corner if we eventually find a willing fourth.   
GT: Maybe.  
GT: Do you want me to talk to her about it while you talk to dirk about his robot and also um you know things?   
GG: I feel like I ought to deal with her myself, but that conversation would be so awkward, and in any case you're the one she'd be in a corner relationship with so...  
GG: Yes.  
GG: I will have an awkward conversation with Dirk so you don't have to, and in return you will have an awkward conversation with Roxy so I don't have to.  
GG: How does that sound?   
GT: Like a plan.   
GG: Then let's put it into action. :B

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] \--

\---------------

**3\. Evening to Morning**

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TG: hey dirk  
TG: dirk dirk rirk drik dirk drikr dirk dirke ire dirkdikr  
TG: dirky-poo  
TG: dirk dorkface stirider talk to meeeeeeeeeeeee  
TG: i am so fuckin bored and you oWE ME   
TT: You do realize these conversations are the precise reason I created an auto-responder.   
TG: yah whatevs like i care  
TG: at least he talks to me   
TT: That's inherent in the "responder" portion of the name.  
TT: Do you want him to take over for me?  
TT: I have a bunch of maintenance work I should get to while the weather is good.   
TG: nah ill have a codefest w/ him later while you go fondle ur hammer *WINK WINK*   
TT: ...   
TG: ...   
TT: ...   
TG: come on dirk work w me  
TG: this is choice quality antediluvian memestuff here  
TG: hint the hammer is your.................   
TT: Sigh.  
TT: The hammer is my penis.   
TG: there you go!!!1! i knew you could do it  
TG: but neway ill chill w/ mr. cool shades computer-you whenevs, hes always up for gossip an lending a near when i need to vent  
TG: *ear  
TG: haha lending ram more like  
TG: and when he does talk he doesnt bullshit our other fiends  
TG: *friends   
TT: Seriously? This again?   
TG: look i know all your arguments about unkown maternal moiety an shit  
TG: and i admit youre not wrogn   
TT: That's a first.   
TG: but youre not RIHGT either  
TG: *wrong *right  
TG: because see above about your moiety beinb unknowd  
TG: *umknown  
TG: *screw it  
TG: and i think yuo owe it to jake n janey to b honest about this shit expecially since j already knows about the whole living in the futuruerue biz  
TG: *future  
TG: and let them deicide for themselfs if theyre cool with you having a v. mysterious moiety of deepest mystery   
TT: Look. I did hint around the subject to Jake, but I think he either doesn't care or is being deliberately obtuse on the issue.  
TT: And as for Jane, how am I supposed to explain things to her without getting into, as you say, the whole living in the future business?  
TT: Which we both known she'll refuse to believe, and that's a chunk of shit I'd rather not toss at the fan until I know which way the splatter will fly and how best to clean it up.   
TG: dirk you r overthiknig this  
TG: *overthinking  
TG: its rlly very simple  
TG: tell her your bro had sex with a stranger in his wild n crazy youth and ended up w/ a baby on his doorstairs 9 months later  
TG: he didnt kno your moms moiety and he chickned out on being a dad so he said you were his bro and obvs therefore also evening  
TG: instead of his son an therefore totes morning (cuz who needs unplanned scandals amirite)  
TG: boom problem solved  
TG: i accept payment in adoration applause and booze   
TT: That would work for Jake. For Jane? No.  
TT: You know how she gets about mysteries.  
TT: Your little melodrama has a thousand loose ends she can't help but notice, and once she's suspicious enough to start looking into either of us, she won't stop until she has proof we can't possibly be who we say we are.  
TT: Is that what you want?   
TG: look into you maybe  
TG: im safe shes met my mom they were even penpals for a while  
TG: nyah!   
TT: Great, so I'm the only one recategorized as a liar and probable spy and/or gold-digger in your hypothetical scenario. Which neatly leaves you free to go after Jake.  
TT: Is that your secret goal?   
TG: NO THAT IS NOT HTE GOAL!!!  
TG: asshole  
TG: i wouldnt do that to you   
TT: Yeah.  
TT: I know.  
TT: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.  
TT: I'm in the middle of a high-stakes bullshit balancing act here. One wrong step and I lose everything except you. It's enough pressure to make a man shit diamonds.  
TT: I have a plan, but there are always random factors I can't control, and if you tell any of this to Jane...   
TG: i know  
TG: im scared of losing her too  
TG: or jake  
TG: i mean how the fuck is he still alive on that island w all those lusus naturae  
TG: theortetically us being here means their futures are fixed and they surive long enough to get into the medium but time dude, who even knows how it works   
TT: Who indeed.   
TG: *theoretically *survibe  
TG: *oh fcuk it   
TT: ...  
TT: To reuse a phrase, you're not right, but you're not wrong, either. I can't do anything now, but I'll come clean once we're all in the medium.  
TT: I bromise.   
TG: pinky swear?   
TT: Yes.  
TT: Turn on your webcam and we'll do it for real.   
TG: i knouw its silly but thanks dirk  
TG: and i swear i wont spill the beans to jane or poke at jake to make him acutually think about stuff an give you an nonhest opinion on his feels  
TG: *honest   
TT: Thank you, Roxy.  
TT: High five?   
TG: yeah on 3 you count   
TT: One.  
TT: Two.  
TT: Three.   
TG: ahahahaha MOTHERFUCKER wrongng hand now i have vodka all lover my screen  
TG: gof i am SUCH A FUCKUP   
TT: Still not as bad as the time I spilled motor oil on my keyboard.  
TT: Why don't I hook the auto-responder in to this chat and let you flirt-larp with him for a while?  
TT: We can talk about whatever's really bothering you tonight, after I get my chores done and we've both caught up with Jake and Jane.   
TG: ...  
TG: yeah ok but lets pretend he doesnt read all your logs and have me and him start in a new window  
TG: catch u on the flip sdie di-stri  
TG: *side   
TT: I prefer to think of our interactions as a Möbius strip, such that there's never any side to flip; instead, we're always in contact in some form.   
TG: whatevs we all know ur a marshmallow at heart  
TG: *2 glasses n a toast*

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--


End file.
